powerhouse.anachronism

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powerhouse.anachronism

Below are the 4 most recent journal entries.



	2004.03.04 09.04 Dream #3 I'll have to update this entry as I remember more about the dream.. It's all very vague. All I can definately remember is that Szion and I are both involved. We're having problems, as we are now, and I'm begging him to stay with me, desperately. A lot of stuff goes on, and in the end, I'm sitting on his bed, or mine, I can't tell, and I'm flipping through a notebook. I get to last pages, and they appear to be some type of journal entry about me. I try to start reading them, and then the dream just ends. I don't think a lot of the small details would matter much, but the fact that I can't get to his thoughts before I wake up is somewhat bothersome. I suppose that it means things are stressed, and that he won't communicate. And this is true, he doesn't communicate. shrug I haven't had a dream about him in a while, so I find this interesting.



	2004.02.10 08.42 Dream #2 (February 7, 2004) - Unhappy New Year I thought I posted this already.. apparently not.. I'm driving down the interstate. Sz and my mother are following me in their own cars. We're going somewhere, and I don't know where. I know that we owe someone money. Or rather, someone else owes them money (I think it was Steph) and we're just taking it to them. Something happens to my mothers car. An ambulance speeds by. My mother pulls over and tells Sz and I to go on without her. We do. We arrive at this kind of hidden mountainous home. B. is there. She offers to pay the $100 owed to this guy. We tell her Steph alreayd has. We go inside. Nice house. Tall cielings. I dreamed in color and he was wearing black. He takes me off and leaves Sz and a few others up front. I ask him if he's gay. He says he's bi. I say 'figures.' He then says he can prove his heterosexuality to me. He tries to rape me. I scream. Sz comes running into the room. He asks this guy (I think his name was Gerry) what he's doing. He tells him to get the fuck off of me. I run outside. I leave. I go back to my aunts house. It's new years eve, and my aunt has remodeled her deck for the party. Pierre and John are there. Why? I hate them. They're mallrats. Annoying, and trying to hard to be goth. I see my great aunt and my mom. I talk to them. John shoots pierre a bird. My mom starts crying and asks me if I can't see what they're doing to the family. The fireworks show starts. All of a sudden, a firework goes wrong and hits a building. The building falls towards the left. We can see it from my aunts house. The smokey destruction stops just short of her neighborhood. Then I hear my mother saying, "No...no, please don't fall" and I turn to see the building to the right of the first one. I see it begin to fall. I scream to my mother that I never hated her, and at the last second, as though perhaps he could hear me, I scream to Sz that I love him eternally...even though he isn't there at the end. I hold to my great aunt and watch as smoke billows towards me in a sonic wave of falling energy. then I wake up.



	2004.02.06 12.42 Dream #1 I've decided to use part of this journal to record my dreams. I figured perhaps at some later date, these things will all come in use somehow.... We were in an apartment at some point. I was still dating Szion, however, there was another guy. He reminded me of Brandon. Apparently, he and I were to be married. We were walking around the mall. For some reason, I know that he had a connection to Asja. I met her in the dream. We were almost exactly alike, yet we were different. She's more the airhead, or so I got from the dream. Asja said something about what she meant to me. She said that she had to mean something, because when we were together, I had made Greg leave the room. She asked me if I loved her. I don't remember my response. I met my fiance's family. They met my mother. For some reason, I had an odd feeling that our marriage was just for LARP. Why? I felt that this wasn't anything special, yet I was excited. I was ready for this. And all the time, I was with Szion. What was Asja's purpose? Why did she ask me if I cared for her? What was this Brandon look-a-like doing here? Perhaps his image is just a shell. I saw him at the mall the other day. There was never a romantic connection to him. Perhaps it was just a shell for the fact that someone else is who I need to be with. Why did Szion never make an appearance except for when we saw him at work? Why did he have literally no emotion? Is that telling me that perhaps he'd care less if we were together. I know that the conversation I had with Marlin last night spawned all this. We spoke for two hours about Asja, LARP, and Szion's personallity. My other diary will detail that conversation. However, is this one of those dreams that is somewhat of a reality check? I just don't know. Perhaps I'll reference this later and understand this. Mood: confused



	2004.02.03 09.58 Conformity of Counter Culture Call the mall-rats. Call them ‘poseurs’. Call them brainless fucks. Whatever you choose to name them, they are all the same. These are the ‘kids’ who have taken it upon themselves to adopt a subculture they do not understand. These are the people who give “Goth” a bad name. What was once a group of creative, artistic, and expressive individuals has now fallen victim to a corporate slaughterhouse of Capitalistic behavior. This culture, which I was once proud to embrace and claim as my own is now something I am almost ashamed to recognize after what it has become. Before I can go any further, I need to clarify exactly what I am writing about. The subculture most commonly referred to as ‘Goth’ is quite eclectic. It embodies many aspects of ‘dark culture’ and cannot be generalized into one or two categories. For the purpose of keeping this paper somewhat brief, I shall use a very generalized overview of my aspects of the subculture, which are predominately of the ‘rivethead’ variety with some Euro-Goth mixed in somewhere. So, what is a rivethead? What makes this little sub-sect special? There are three main aspects that one can debate as the cause or origin of membership in a subculture. I consider these three things to be dress, music, and philosophy. Most of my attacks come from that last statement. I’ve met many ‘Goth’ kids who think that anyone can wear a black t-shirt and get away with being called ‘underground’. I beg to differ. You can’t put Princess Cheer in a black leather cat suit and expect her to immediately fit in with the gravers. It won’t work. Therefore, you cannot deny that personality and outlook does have something to do with a subculture so much more controversial than others out there. Let me analyze each of these sections individually. Dress: How does one spot a member of the underground? Fairly simple. However, do not fool your self into thinking that just because you saw it at Hot Topic, it’s Goth. That’s not quite true. Generally, the most common styles of the subculture revolve around things like leather, lace, flowing satin, PVC, latex, velvet, reflective strips, chains, spikes, rings, leather, combat boots, fishnet, and did I mention leather? Now, this statement of fashion revolves mostly around my affiliation with the subculture, which is more to the extremes of rivethead/fetish. The realms of Renn-Goths, Romantic Goths, and people who think that they should have been named Lestat de Lioncourt at birth usually have more of an attraction to pirate shirts, capes, cloaks, velvet renn-dresses, and the like. As far as jewelry and accessories, most of what I wear is centered around ‘O’-rings, collars, cuffs, chains, spikes, and other such novelties. I wear silver almost exclusively. The above-mentioned Renn’s have a likeness for pretty pendants with blood colored stones, ornate pieces that look as though they came from 18th century French courts, and lace. Don’t forget the lace. One last aspect of appearance: make-up. Expect dramatic eye makeup on your average ‘Goth’. We have a likeness for Egyptian style eyeliner. Lot’s of dramatic colors, sweeping lines, and contrasts. Why else would you think all Goth models are so pale? It’s because ivory skin looks even whiter when paired with black lips and eyes. Some Goths like to add little drawn on accents like spider webs, tear drops, and inverted crucifixes to their makeup ensemble. I do believe that this has covered appearance and dress well for the moment. Moving on. Music: The music in the Goth scene has been prominent since about 1979. Some of the earlier bands referred to in the subculture are Bauhaus, Siouxsie and the Banshees, Throbbing Gristle, Sister’s of Mercy, Razed in Black, etc. etc. etc. Over the years, bands like NIN, Bella Morte, CXS, Last Dance, Moonspell, Wolfshiem, :wumpscut:, Covenant, VNV Nation, Black Tape for a Blue Girl, Skinny Puppy, haujobb, Das Ich, KMFDM, L’ame Immortale, and others have emerged and been termed ‘Goth’. What one defines as a Goth band is unlimited. Generally, these are bands the incorporate a darker element to their music. Darkwave, industrial, EBM, and certain forms of metal are usually most common in the circle. I’m not going to sit here and say something is or isn’t Goth, but I’m giving you my ideas of what my play list encompasses. Check the MP3 section later on, and I’ll have my entire bloody list up there. Philosophy: This is the argument I seem to enjoy the most. I can’t wait to see the flames come shooting at me from this. Here goes nothing…. Firstly, let it be known that most Goth’s have quite a sick, twisted, morbid, and sadistic sense of humor. Makes for really great drunken moments of stupidity. People get hurt this way, folks. We take delight in the humor of the dark side. Generally, Goths are also more tolerant and accepting of people in general. The reasoning behind that is the underdog complex. We’re a small group of people, and we have to find unity, bind ourselves together before we can get anything done. If we’re always arguing over who’s black is blacker, then we’ll never be a subculture, just a bunch of rebellious angst-filled gravers living in anarchy. You are always going to have those people who assume that they are “Goth-er than thou”. Screw them. Chances are, they probably don’t understand the subculture anyway. Also, many Goth’s seem to have an attraction to philosophy, religion, psychology, and other forms of intellectual discussion. I have found that many of the members are introverted intellectuals. Unless you are like me, and you’re an introvert who likes to appear extroverted, never shuts up, and is just asking to get bitch slapped (and quite frankly, waiting for it to give her justified reason to bitch back). Most Goths are artistic, creative, cynical, witty, expressive and full of beautiful energy. Okay, enough sentimentality. That’s the general idea of Goth philosophy. We don’t hold just one religion or idea. However, we enjoy debating and accepting and understanding new ones. So, there we have some general idea of what modern Goth is. Great, now where was I? Ah yes, conformity of the modern counter-culture. Yes. When this subculture first made an appearance, we were somewhat unique. We were the underground. Yes, I’ll make note that I do enjoy getting weird looks. Call it an ego trip. However, since nineteen eighty-eight, when Orv Madden opened a little store called Hot Topic, Goth has become overly mainstream for my taste. Yes, I want the knowledge, and acceptance of the subculture out there, but I don’t appreciate all these little mall rats that can go around screaming “I’m a Goth!” yet know nothing about what it is to claim this culture. They think Manson is revolutionary. Let’s go back and read about some of the earlier days of Throbbing Gristle, why don’t we. I call that revolutionary and hardcore. These kids are those who think being Goth means being a cutter, being depressed, being sadomasochistic, Renfield’s Syndrome, white face-paint, whining, bad poetry, blood, black roses, and little else. Yes, some of those things are enjoyed and taken into Goth culture worldwide, but I’ll put it bluntly in saying that I know many a sado-masochist that is anything but Gothic. Remind me to make a rant on that later. These kids stand outside the mall on Friday night under the idea that their “Goth-ness” makes them appear intimidating to innocent bystanders. In all honesty, Goth’s don’t go out looking for trouble or fights. Generally, we’re peaceful. We’re just expressive, and not many people enjoy what we consider “fun”. Hell, not many people enjoy what we call music. So, we arrive at a point in history, the year two thousand and four. I can now wander around town and see five million and three eighth graders who call themselves “Goths”. They just went and shopped at Hot Topic and they are writing a poem about Lestat. They want to sit in a dark corner and mope. That’s great and all, and they have a term for a ‘culture’ like that. We call it loser. It annoys the hell out of me when I watch them give decent human being like myself a bad name. They make ‘normals’ see me and my friends as Satanic, Pagan, suicidal, sick, and a plethora of other degrading terms that I would never once put in association with this culture. They’ve got it easy and they take it for granted. They never had to work for the acceptance into this group of people because they aren’t a part of this group of people. There are very few individuals left who are actually what one can consider “Goth”. Those people generally sit back and laugh at the kids who try too hard to be something they aren’t. I have more I can add to this at a later date, and I’m sure I will, for I almost always do. All I’m making a point of is the fact that these mall rats have it so easy to get “Goth” and abuse the privelage. What are we going to do about it?

[ ~*~Midnyte*Gothick~*~ ]